When's the last time you made a new friend? Not an acquaintance. Not a work contact. An actual friend.
If you're struggling to answer, you're not alone. Research shows that men's friendships decline sharply after age 30, and many men report having zero close friends by middle age.
It's not that we don't want friends. We just don't know how to make them anymore.
Why Making Friends Gets Harder
In school, friendships happened automatically. You saw the same people every day, shared activities, and had time to hang out.
As adults, we have:
- Less unstructured time — Work, family, and responsibilities consume our days
- Fewer natural gathering places — No more dorms, cafeterias, or campus hangouts
- Higher stakes — Approaching someone new feels riskier when you're 35 than 15
- No social script — There's no adult equivalent of "want to come over and play?"
Plus, many of us were taught that needing friends is a weakness. "Real men" are independent, self-sufficient, lone wolves.
That's nonsense. And it's making us miserable.
The Friendship Formula
Researchers have identified three ingredients that create friendships:
- Proximity — Regular, repeated contact
- Shared activity — Doing something together
- Vulnerability — Letting someone see the real you
In childhood, school provided all three automatically. As adults, we have to create them intentionally.
Practical Strategies That Actually Work
1. Create Regular Touchpoints
Friendship requires repetition. You can't build trust with someone you see twice a year.
Ideas:
- Weekly poker night
- Monthly hiking group
- Regular gym partner
- Standing coffee dates
- Consistent involvement in a league or club
The key word is regular. One-off hangouts don't create friendship.
2. Join Activity-Based Groups
Shared activity gives you something to talk about beyond small talk. It's also less pressure than sitting across from someone trying to "make friends."
Options:
- Sports leagues (basketball, softball, tennis)
- Fitness communities (CrossFit, running clubs, cycling groups)
- Classes (woodworking, cooking, photography)
- Volunteer organizations
- Men's groups (like EVRYMAN)
The activity isn't the point. The connection that happens around the activity is.
3. Be the Initiator
Here's an uncomfortable truth: someone has to go first.
Most men are waiting to be invited. Be the one who invites.
- "Want to grab coffee this week?"
- "I'm hiking Saturday morning—you in?"
- "A few of us are watching the game. Come over."
Yes, it feels vulnerable. That's the point.
4. Go Beyond Surface Level
Activity buddies aren't the same as friends. Friends know what's actually going on in your life.
To deepen a relationship:
- Ask real questions ("How are you really doing?")
- Share something honest about your own life
- Follow up on things they've told you
- Show up during hard times, not just good times
5. Give It Time
Researchers estimate it takes 200+ hours of time together to become close friends. That's a lot of coffee dates.
Don't expect instant connection. Give relationships time to develop. Keep showing up even when it feels slow.
The Loneliness Trap
Here's what keeps many men stuck: the lonelier you are, the harder it feels to reach out. Loneliness creates a shame spiral that makes you withdraw further.
Breaking out requires recognizing that:
- Wanting connection is human, not weak
- Other men feel the same way (they're just not saying it)
- It gets easier once you start
The first step is always the hardest.
Your Action Plan
This week:
- Identify one person you'd like to know better
- Reach out with a specific invitation (not "we should hang out sometime")
- Show up and be genuinely curious about their life
- Follow up within a week to do it again
That's it. Not complicated. Just uncomfortable.
But the alternative—a life without close male friendships—is far more uncomfortable in the long run.
Want a built-in crew? Join EVRYMAN and connect with men who actually show up.
